Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
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