Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
