WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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