Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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