sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
He felt like a one man threesome
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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