fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I am midnight drunk by noon
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
