I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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