yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
