Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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