and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize