I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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