She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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