guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
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