im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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