my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Hello my rib-scented angel!
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
