So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
