Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
