youre lurking in front of me
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Life is so much better after having sex.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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