I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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