my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
