Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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