yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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