I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
i drank out of a bidet.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize