I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
