If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Randomize
