i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Randomize
