God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
meet me or not, i'm out of control
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
