Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
