I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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