whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Randomize
