Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
