You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I am midnight drunk by noon
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize