You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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