My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
