You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
someone owes me an orgasm
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize