I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize