i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
