So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize