Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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