One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
