my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
