You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
