cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
