My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize