I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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