i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
we're making bets on your personal life
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Randomize
