Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
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