I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
