I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
