I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
