I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
