I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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