hotel room ftw
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
