How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Vodka?
Forever.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
